... it pours.

Dad called me while I was on lunch to tell me that he found out what was wrong with my car.  So, when I was done eating, I went over to his house.  Not that it matters what it is, but it is something to do with the intake manifold.  What does matter is that it is going to cost $1000 to fix.  He and my step-mom are going to foot the bill and I will pay them back as I can.
I managed to keep from crying while he was telling me, then I thought about all the other shit going down, and I lost it.  Then, when I went back to work, boss saw I was upset, asked what was wrong, and I started crying about the time I hit "intake manifold."  Nice one Cass... Way to lose it in front of the boss.
I know that I'm lucky that they are able to bail me out of this for now.  And really, I am so thankful for that. 
But seriously?  I just paid off the car in October... It's right before Christmas, the economy is shit, my job is likely to be going away soon,  Matt is coming in March and I need to weeks off of whatever job I'm working, and I'm supposed to be saving money so I can be with the man I love.

Way to go Life.  Thanks for totally sucking ass.

Oh, where to begin...  I'm going to rant and whine, so be prepared....

1. Sarah Brightman concert this weekend!!!  On Sunday, I am going to see Sarah.  She is my most favoritist artist EVER.  I love, love, love her.  I'm ecstatic about going.  I bought the tickets in June and finally get to see her.  $75 a piece as well (And those weren't even the ones we planned on getting.  Those were $125, but they were sold out!)  So, as excited to see Sarah as I am... I'm also a bit worried/pissed.  Turns out, they are calling for crappy winter weather this weekend.  Starting today and then going on right through Sunday.  Some have said snow, snow showers, ice, etc.  But, the coldest temperatures since 1990.  It would so frickin' figure.  Cass, who HATES driving in inclimate weather.  I rarely go to Seattle.  I rarely drive to Seattle.  I hate doing it.  I live on an island.  "Traffic" here is like taking 8 minutes to drive through town instead of 5.  And now, not only do I get to contend with driving in Seattle, but I get to deal with possible snow and ice, and at the very least, cold ass weather and tons of rain. 
I wouldn't be so upset about this except I really, really freak out during bad weather when I'm driving.  Like, to the point of tears.  One of the last times I had to drive and it started snowing, I was death gripping the wheel.  I got home, parked the car in the carport and burst into tears and had to sit in my car for a few minutes before I could calm down and just be thankful that I was alive and made it.  I honestly don't know where my fear came from.  When I was younger, I was nearly fearless in whatever weather.  Didn't think a second about it.  
There are a few options as far as the concert goes and getting to Seattle.  One of them is to drive to Mt. Vernon (45 minutes away) and get on a train and take the Amtrak down to Seattle.  That would run me $20 (each way.)  So then I'd be out $40.  Then, to get from Seattle to Everett (where the concert actually is) It'd cost me another $12 (each way)  Now I'm out another $24.  So $64 later, and it might all work out.  I think what might actually end up happening is that I just suck it up, drive to Seattle.  Then Amy and I (Amy is who I'm going with) take the train from Seattle to Everett and back.  Driving to Seattle in the day time is way less stressful to me than driving around at night time before and after the concert.  I'm a wimp, I know.  But I know I can drive safe.  It's all the other jerky, careless people on the road I'm concerned about.  *sigh*  I'm going to the concert one way or another.

2. My dad.  Ok, not my dad.  My car.  As if I were not already freaked out enough about having to drive to Seattle, I've been having car issues.  Now, it's not like these are new car issues.  Since I got my car, I've had some issue with the radiator.  No, it's not cracked.  I think it's the hose that is leaking and has progressively gotten worse.  It used to be maybe every month I had to fill the radiator.  Now it's about every 4 days.  I talked to my dad (who is an awesome mechanic) months and months ago, at least 9 of them, about fixing it.  He said he could, when he got the time and I could give up the car for a few days.  
So he calls me last night to tell me to bring the car over today so that he can put some anti-freeze.  Me, who is already pissed and upset about the weather this weekend, gets even more upset because I know that it is more or less going to run right back out of the damn car because that's what it likes to do.  I was just upset because he's like "Well then we'll keep feeding it anti-freeze until I can get the time to fix it.  "Get the time to fix it" has been something I've heard over and over.  And I know he's a busy guy, but I can't afford to pay someone to fix it.  I will buy the parts if I need to, that's one thing.  But paying some over priced mechanic to fix the problem is out of my means right now.  
And I know, I feel like a bitch because I'm pressuring him to fix the damn car, and he's already busy.  The thing is, he spreads himself too thin.  Between work and his photography and doing things for his church, other things keep getting pushed to the back burner.  It's no wonder he's stressed and has anxiety issues and all that bullshit.  But I just don't know what to do otherwise...  I considered asking my step-father to look at it.  Now, the story between them is that they actually get along.  They'll never be "friends" but they are civil and they can be in the same room and have a conversation.  I am super thankful for that.  However, I think that if I asked my step-dad to do t instead of my father, it would hurt his feelings because then he'd feel like I had just given up on him.  *sigh*  Damn rock and a hard place...
Anyway, dad has the car now, and I have his giant truck.  Sure, I like being all girl in this giant ass truck, but I'd still rather have my own damn car!  And there's no way I could drive that thing to Seattle!  Worse comes to worse, if I have to borrow someone's car to go to Seattle, I could take mom's Impala.  But I just had studded tires put back on mine, and she doesn't have hers on yet.  Dammit.  Dammit dammit dammit.

3. They just upped my credit limit on my credit card from $6900 to $9300.  Jackasses...  Now, I'm not dumb.  I'm never going to spend that much on a credit card.  I had credit card debt when I was in college, and I got myself out of that mess with a personal loan and consolidation and what not.  But seriously?  In today's economy, you're going to give someone the potential to put themself further into debt that they can't pay off?  Retards.  Thank God I know better...

4.  My job.  I know, the economy sucks.  You know the economy sucks.  The people who aren't coming into my store know the economy sucks.  So what do the owners say to me when they come in the other day?  "You need to be more agressive and make those sales."  To who?  Who the F am I supposed to be agressive to?  The guy coming in looking for a 3x3 carpet remnant to put in the bottom of his dog's kennel?  Or the other customers who went down the road to the Home Depot who practically gives their crappy crap away and says my prices are higher.  No shit.
I'm fighting the thoughts of being unemployed.  I've never been unemployed.  I've had a job since I started working.  Every single day since I had my first job, I have had a job.  I have not gone one single day without being employed somewhere.  *sigh*  I know, I'm not the only one.
This just doesn't fit into my goddamn plan right now.  How the hell am I supposed to be saving for my future with Matt without a frickin' job?  Yes, I know, I have one now.  But who the hell knows what it'll be like in another month.  I can't just NOT think about it.
And another thing I think about is that it's expensive to eat healthy.  I mean, a lot more expensive.  I'll be damned if I'm going to gain back an ounce because I'm poor and  having to eat Ramen for dinner every meal.

5. Matt.  Ok, this is more of an odd stress.  I'm not stressed necessarily by anything he's done.  But, as I said in the previous #4, I worry about our future.  I mean, I worry about immigration and us being together and getting all of that accomplished when there's the possibility of me being unemployed in the near future.  Immigration and moving is expensive.  How are we supposed to come up with the money for that if I'm not working?  Or if I fall further into debt because I'm not working?  I'm busting my ass to get my debt paid off so that we can concentrate on being together.  We can concentrate on doing what we need to do to be a couple.   I would rather concentrate on being on the same continent than dealing with all this other bullshit.  And though he is my light, my hope, what keeps me going, it is still an added stress, the steps we have to go through to be together...

So there it is.  My stresses in a nutshell.  My worries and my moaning and complaining and whining.  I know, life could be worse.  Life could be a lot worse, but this is how it is for me now.  And it just sucks...  Actually contemplated starting to smoke again to help me deal with the stresses of life, but quickly nixed that idea for a couple reasons... First off - No.  Just plain No.  I quit, I won't start again.  Secondly, it would make no sense whatsoever for me to start smoking when money is tight.  Add another vice to my budget?  Not plausible.  I would just screw my stresses away, but... Matt is 5000 miles away.  :(